in times like these, hours in a quiet hot tub is a much longed for luxury. i used to take the opportunity whenever i stayed in a five star hotel. those were sponsored stays which i could not afford on my own. ah, it was solitude at its most comfortable state. and the only distractions came from the sound of dripping, the gradual cooling water which kept reminding me i can't stay there forever and lastly, the distant echoing of worries.

and what had i to gain from splurging? it was the idea of drowning all my cares. it brings me face to face with my fear of water and the feeling of being closed in from all sides. it took a while to adjust my breathing as the weight of the water seemed to squeeze the breath out of me. once relaxed, the mind goes to sleep. you can run away.

i'm back to reality. there's no place to run to in the end. i am still in solitude. i still have to listen to my worries. i still have to face my fears. this crushing feeling is still there. but there is no hot tub to drown it all.

i have come to appreciate the morning hot shower baths. it washed away a lot of stress. i used to speed through showering, but i realized it was a luxury after all, one that was within my means. it is not seen as a waste of water and electricity anymore. i would rather spend more on the household bills than spend on massage clinics. it is such a daily treat.

it feels like standing in the rain. once more, leaving all my cares behind.

sometimes i splash myself a bucket of cold water in the middle of the hot shower. it challenges my apprehensions and reminds me that it's not so bad after all. it is something to look forward to again tomorrow.