love is so bothersome. i'm not the type who really likes falling in love.

it hurts to ignore and be ignored by the one you love. it hurts never being loved back.

strange kid. she feels safest around us, but never wants to get close. come to think of it, she never was close with anyone. maybe it's her personality, or maybe it's something else. i think it's a deep "dark" secret. ironic. she trusts us but does not trust us. conflicting. and this conflict is within her. internal conflict.

i can only keep on guessing what this deep "dark" secret is. something as mild as an introvert quirk to something as grave as incest. speculation. i think it's safer to think it's a deterrence to be loved. probably she was hurt before. very much hurt. it could be nothing. sometimes i think the only ones that could hurt you are the ones you love. she loved and was hurt. and still hurting. never again. that's what makes it difficult to figure out.

there are those who really have a tendency to become a nun. celibacy. i've never met anyone with a greater tendency like her. even sisters whom i personally know were never like her. strange kid indeed.

how bothersome. a part of me wishes i shouldn't give a damn. another side for the sake of "love" dictates i should at least keep an open mind. i hate this feeling. there, i said it. i wish it was taken from me. no, what i mean is, if it were possible to take this cup from me. this feels worse than dying. seeing the ones you care for suffering. i feel it lurking. that at any time she will fall. to the dark side.

but my orders are strict. keep distance. silence. patience. wait. i wish it were something clearer like go away. not for you. do something else. never mind.