i survived the day, i guess. less awkward situation becomes less if it keeps repeating itself. maybe i'm just plain too out of this world at the moment to even care. but i still do care. it's a tough act to keep it to myself. i didn't actually go through this day unscathed. i almost blew my head over for some guy who blew his top. nah, just let it pass. what bothers me more are the ripples to come. hopefully not a tidal wave.

and i still do care. i'll just have to wait some more for something to happen. or not. i was so much into deep thought, i didn't have enough time to enjoy those fleeting clouds. someone tell me, what have i not tasted yet.

ah. the silence once again. it keeps ringing in my ears. well dear bed, another sleepless night, i guess.

the downside with falling in love is that it renders everything else meaningless.

i stand before me, me and me. one acts indifferently while the other thinks too much. the third is impossible to figure out as he tries to weigh things out. i face all of them waiting for a response. i don't even understand my question or the reason i'm waiting.

love is so bothersome. i'm not the type who really likes falling in love.

it hurts to ignore and be ignored by the one you love. it hurts never being loved back.

strange kid. she feels safest around us, but never wants to get close. come to think of it, she never was close with anyone. maybe it's her personality, or maybe it's something else. i think it's a deep "dark" secret. ironic. she trusts us but does not trust us. conflicting. and this conflict is within her. internal conflict.

i can only keep on guessing what this deep "dark" secret is. something as mild as an introvert quirk to something as grave as incest. speculation. i think it's safer to think it's a deterrence to be loved. probably she was hurt before. very much hurt. it could be nothing. sometimes i think the only ones that could hurt you are the ones you love. she loved and was hurt. and still hurting. never again. that's what makes it difficult to figure out.

there are those who really have a tendency to become a nun. celibacy. i've never met anyone with a greater tendency like her. even sisters whom i personally know were never like her. strange kid indeed.

how bothersome. a part of me wishes i shouldn't give a damn. another side for the sake of "love" dictates i should at least keep an open mind. i hate this feeling. there, i said it. i wish it was taken from me. no, what i mean is, if it were possible to take this cup from me. this feels worse than dying. seeing the ones you care for suffering. i feel it lurking. that at any time she will fall. to the dark side.

but my orders are strict. keep distance. silence. patience. wait. i wish it were something clearer like go away. not for you. do something else. never mind.

there is a document in my computer which was supposedly a book. my emotions got carried away and drowned the dream. for record's keepsake, i copied and pasted the monster without edits. without fail, it amused me reading myself. this is one mountain of dump.

RANTS

CHAPTER I

I don’t know where to begin. Everything I wanted to say, everything I know, everything I have been through this past three decades of my life, I want to write down in this book. The simple message is this is who I am. Looking back is like reading a book, only I know how it ends. Unlike other story books, it ends with more questions unanswered rather than resolution. I guess that is how life really is, there are more loose ends the older one gets.

A major part of what I want to share is about my profession as a physician. The decision to become a doctor is not a one-time thing. There are many crossroads on which path to take, many points in my life to remake and reassure the decision to become a doctor. It is an ongoing journey that began when I chose what career to take up in life. That was before entering college. I was 15 years of age back then. The goal to become a doctor was officially achieved after 10 years of education. Only to realize, it does not end there. In fact, that is where the profession begins. Profession is a word so striking, aside from professionalism, it is a lifestyle. A doctor’s degree is not just a title or an achievement; it is a role in a community. Graduating from the college of medicine and passing the board exams a year later did not make me feel like a real doctor. Personally, I could not pinpoint a specific point in time I saw myself as one doctor. It just came with experience and exposure to countless patients. One day I woke up living the life of a doctor. So this is what it meant to be a doctor, this is a life of a doctor. It was different from how I saw it when I was 15. It is so different from what I think other people perceive it to be. It is so different from what the movies and television portray. People look up to the title, a healer, a person who saves lives, someone skillful, intelligent, caring and self-sacrificing. True, but also deceiving.

I am a born-again evangelical Christian, a Bible-believer, sometimes more easily understood as a Protestant. It is hard to say who I am to people in a world with a lot of conceptions and misconceptions about one’s religion. I see myself as someone who loves and follows the God of Abraham, Isaac and Israel, the God of the Bible. This is who I really am, who I claim to be. I am a soldier of the Cross, a believer of Jesus, Son of God. My principles in life and how I see life is based on my understanding of the Word of God.

I have many dreams and aspirations, some are head over hills and some are plain practical. I am a scientist. I have a scientific mind, in the sense that science fascinates me. There is this sense of curiosity of how things work and more of how to make things work. Gadgets and inventions swarm my thoughts, some of which have already been devised. It is kind of heartwarming to know my imaginations are not that far-fetched, at the same time it is saddening someone beat me to it. Research and discovery nowadays are not how they used to be. The strictness of protocols  and standards have limited the art of science. It is no longer an art if you must follow the confines. For this reason I have little respect for protocols apart from being the norms of society. People who inspire me are Leonardo da Vinci, Michael Faraday, Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Edison, most of all Nikolai Tesla. Eccentricity is oftentimes attached to scientists simply because people find them hard to understand. It also works the other way around, when scientists find it hard to express themselves in a language the average person understands. It is a problem with expression on the part of the scientist, a problem with understanding on the part of the layman, or both. Leonardo’s concepts were so far-fetched during his days. He had the right concept at the wrong time. Flying contraptions are so ordinary in our age. Michael Faraday and Benjamin Franklin’s fascination with electricity makes me similar to them. Edison is a good example of trial and error, a method that is not so scientific nowadays. Look where it placed his name in history. His rival, Nikolai Tesla, is a prodigy that has been overshadowed by political reasons. Tesla was unheard of in my history books. It was in tesla coils in a computer game and my curiosity of the word tesla that led me to research on Tesla. His ideas on electricity in the air, low frequency energy devices and black theories interested me.

I am still trying to figure it out. Where do I begin? Just when you have finally gotten over her, then she comes back into your life. It’s not as easy as it was the first time, falling in love. Again. One gets over the feeling only if a better replacement comes along. Someone to fill the emptiness left behind. I tried once to forget her. And I succeeded. Because I found someone better to love. Better. an over-rated word. This someone better, is she someone I could even reach? Throwing all cares into the wind. Her. Whose memory and name I vowed to keep in silence. A thorn in the flesh of which I only know. I alone could bear. My flaw. My block. It’s so easy to reach out. But where does it lead me? What if I reach out to her? Then what? Therefore, better that I forget her… or should I ever. And then this other girl. Supposedly I have given up, supposedly does not mean anything anymore. Supposedly I have gotten over with. This feeling, of regret, what if this opportunity goes to waste? I know something good is in store for me…. Better if I wait. And wait some more. The only way to forget someone is to love someone new. That’s why it’s harder to turn back, learning to love again what you have already learned to let go. Even harder still to let go of someone who is not even in your grasp.

I love details as long as I can appreciate the big picture. I remember details as long as I can imagine the big picture.

May 9, 2010.

I came up with some of my out of the blue quotes while washing the dishes.

You don’t get to know a person by asking questions as much as by spending time with them.

I’m being cautious of you falling in love with me while I never develop a feeling for you at all. I would take it upon my conscience. It’s more bearable the other way around, I falling in love with you even if you never fall for me. I think it’s better to be the fool than he who creates one.

There’s nothing wrong trying to reach out, unless you don’t like people reaching out to you.

I could be the most boring person to talk to right now. Although there might be more boring people out there, that’s just besides the point. Probably it’s my timidity that’s starting to flare up again.

What do I want to know from you? I honestly don’t know. Just spend this time with me, I might come up with one.

Would you think this is a waste of your time? At least I don’t think it’s a waste of my time. I don’t have anything better to do with it. It’s more worthwhile spending it with you than with some ungodly acquaintance. Besides, I could not think of anyone else right now.

May 30, 2010.

Some people are so afraid of falling in love with the wrong person that they end up marrying a person they are not in love with, otherwise not marrying at all.

Sometimes a man believes the true test of character is by showing [emotional] restraint. Although there might be some truth, it is not entirely true. I should have given her that letter. Only God knows when will I have another chance.

What’s the worst thing that could happen? Get hurt? Hurt her? Why should she ever be offended by a man who admires her, unless she despises that man?

…The worst thing that could happen is to make a wrong decision. A decision you can never correct. Isn’t it that you fear entering a wrong relationship?

And how could it be wrong? First, the motive is pure, at least I could account for my own motives. Second, she is a worthy candidate. [but am I ready?] I feel ready. Unless I missed out on something.

Why did I hesitate? Because a part of me said not to proceed. Why? Just don’t proceed yet. You will lose nothing but chance. Chances happen all the time, but the right chance only comes once.

June 13, 2010.

Never get carried away by your emotions. Today, …(pause)… today. I had a one time opportunity but did not take it. Failed to take it. And it makes me feel bad. Regret. It was a split-second decision I had to make. And the moment I passed up on the chance, I felt it. Regret. Everything was set. I guess that’s just the way the story went. I’ll get over it. Hopefully soon. Oh well.

So here I am trying to forget her. Again. You know what that means. The only way to forget someone is to find a replacement. Probably not so soon. It’s too tiring to think too much. Waiting for someone to fall from the sky.

June 25, 2010

It’s been a long and weary battle, fighting this feeling. What scares me now is that I might actually win this war. It is such an empty victory.

    You are the complication or the solution.

July 10, 2010

It just dawned on me (as it always does) I might just have an idea of what I really am looking for. What I am after is someone I can trust. What I am after is someone I can trust with my heart. In the same way, she is someone who trusts me, and entrusts her heart to me.

This trust is not something I need, but something I want. It is not some necessity I can’t live without, but a longing a part of me wish I can’t live without. I don’t just need you, I want you.

In this day of my life, I can’t think of anyone I want to trust with this particular reason except you. But if for some reason I can’t even trust you, I just have to wait and find someone else whom I can trust. It’s hard enough to find someone you can trust. It’s harder to find someone you want to trust.

I don’t want to steal her heart. I want her to give it to me freely. No one gives a heart freely. The hard part of it is that I have to ask for it. And probably in the same way, nobody steals my heart. At least nobody steals my heart and gets away with it. It is something I have to give deliberately. Offer is the better term. I also don’t like the idea of “winning” her heart.  It’s not some prize I have to fight for. Love is not something you earn. It’s more like something that just falls out of the sky. It’s a burden really.

All I’m looking for is someone I can trust, despite my imperfections, despite my flaws, despite my inconsistencies, despite this wavering sense of trust. All I’m looking for is someone to stand by me through this life, to join me in my quest, my conquest, to keep me on the right path and to restrain me from myself.

After all, I am the enemy of my soul.

But I think I found one. I think.

On another note, women are not less likely to be unfaithful than men. They’re both the same. All of them. Not just confined in marriage’s sense, but on a deeper sense of faithfulness to love. The deeper sense of faithfulness is pertaining to where the heart really lies. Being “successfully” married with no extra-marital affairs and yet if the heart is somewhere else is no different from being unfaithful. Faithful to the marriage, but not to the one you love. First love. It’s a choice between the mind and the heart, between actions and emotions, between commitment and love. Imperfect love.  True and perfect love can never be separated from commitment. True faithfulness is loving who you are committed to, and committing to who you really love.

Many women have “successfully” separated love and commitment. Yes, they are married someone they love (regardless of success), at the same time separated from the one they truly loved. For some reason I get the feeling that some of them do it intentionally, probably to escape some trap or that feeling of being trapped to the dictates of love and attraction.

If you ask me, between commitment and love, stick with commitment. It defines who you are, a reflection of your will. Human beings don’t possess perfect love anyway.

It boils down to how love and commitment are defined in different ways.

July 27, 2010

Character. Substance. Form. Object. Concept. Going back to the life theory, not life as in living thing or life as in a person’s lifetime, but life as in the story of everything, the story theory. The question to begin with is what is everything we know constructed of, or better yet, how is one way of organizing everything? The organization of the story.

First, there is the tangible and the intangible. The perceived and the non-perceived by the five senses. Is love perceived? Or the manifestations of a non-perceivable concept called love is what is actually perceived? Or the better interpretation would be the intangible concept called love is what is actually perceived.

Everything is a concept. Or everything is conceptualized. Everything you know, everything the brain has the capacity to grasp. The brain grasps everything through conceptualization. Perceptions are turned into concepts.

Character is identity. Individualization. Assigning a specific concept an individualized identity. It is what separates two same concepts. Two same concepts usually are individualized by differences in instances otherwise they are not same concepts but similar concepts with some element of distortion in the concept structure.

Instance. The time-space spatial relationship. Where does the concept exist? When did the concept exist? Where is a location not limited to the tangible, but even the intangible. Two same characters is hardly imaginable, even more two same characters in the same instance. Because it only exists in the intangible realm.

Existence.

The non-conceptualized is a concept that has not yet been conceptualized. Another person may have perceived a concept which another person has yet to perceive. A person cannot conceptualize what has not yet been perceived.

Constructed concept from different perceptions of concepts is not a conceptualization of what has not yet been perceived.

Object. In contrast to character is assigning borders or definition to tangible concepts.

Perception is the transmitted data of concepts.

So, everything is a concept or a non-concept, and everything is existent, in some way. What is conceptualized is what is perceived and the non-conceptualized is what is not perceived.

Existence=everything, the universe of the venn diagram. It is divided into two, the concept and the non-concept, depending on perceivability. The non-concept is comprised of the non-perceivable and the imperceiveable. Concept is divided according to substance: the tangible and the intangible. Concepts whether tangible or intangible could be defined further by character, location or object (person place or thing).

The intangible concept (as differentiated from the intangible non-concept) is derived from the tangible. It is a reflection or a distortion of the tangible concept. Thus the intangible concept always has a trace of tangibility, allowing it to be shareable from one person to the other (such as a word, a description, an action or expression). Such as love. It is an intangible concept but shared across by description, by action, by expression and by the word “love”. It could be assigned elements of the tangible other than words, description and expression such as color,  shape, size, etc., which are measurable qualities.

Elements of a tangible concept.

Quality and quantity.

Mass, volume, form, area, shape, borders.

Measureable and non-measurable.

Projections.

Heard, felt, seen, tasted, smelled.

Experienced. Experience.

Actions.

Time. Past, present, future.

Place. Relative to a set point, a distance.

Character, Setting, Plot. Setting, Environment, Lay-out.

July 28, 2010

Truth is stranger than fiction. Strange fiction. Stranger fiction.

I am strange. I am stranger. I am a stranger. And this is fiction. Strange stranger fiction. I am not fictitious though, just a strange stranger. To claim this strange feeling of being estranged is entirely a whacked idea.

August 23, 2010

Anyday soon I’ll be seeing you. But why am I not so excited? Is it because I am too worried? This heavy feeling of uncertainty keeps running questions in my mind. Especially how I should act. And how should I act, tell me. Act in honesty. Show what you really are, say what you really feel. Do I really know what I feel, do I really know how to show feelings? I have been running away from you. Or maybe, I was running away from my own fear. I fear this feeling inside because I may be so wrong.

answers. the problem is, the answers are with her. the answers are with God. the answers are in the future.

so why not ask her? so why not ask God? the answers are in the future, so just wait.

on reliance, you cannot just rely on anybody. you just can't rely on friends. but that does not mean they are not dependable. they will uphold you in the right time, just don't rely on it.

sometimes you have to give up in order to win. and when you have given up, you just have to give up some more.

most definitely she wasn't pleased, with me, with the situation, or both.

i realized she might be afraid. afraid of falling. afraid of falling in love. afraid of falling in love again. or afraid of falling in love with me. or afraid of me. or afraid of me falling in love with her.

no, dummy, she dislikes you. she resents you. she loathes you. she abhors you. she is terrified of you. she is mortified of you. disgusted.

she's just avoiding me.

why the hell am i doing this?!

love hurts, but sometimes it's a good hurt
and it feels like i'm alive
love sings when it transcends the bad things
have a heart and try me
because without love i won't survive.

-incubus

i'm used to waiting for nothing.
most of the time something happens.

in times like these, hours in a quiet hot tub is a much longed for luxury. i used to take the opportunity whenever i stayed in a five star hotel. those were sponsored stays which i could not afford on my own. ah, it was solitude at its most comfortable state. and the only distractions came from the sound of dripping, the gradual cooling water which kept reminding me i can't stay there forever and lastly, the distant echoing of worries.

and what had i to gain from splurging? it was the idea of drowning all my cares. it brings me face to face with my fear of water and the feeling of being closed in from all sides. it took a while to adjust my breathing as the weight of the water seemed to squeeze the breath out of me. once relaxed, the mind goes to sleep. you can run away.

i'm back to reality. there's no place to run to in the end. i am still in solitude. i still have to listen to my worries. i still have to face my fears. this crushing feeling is still there. but there is no hot tub to drown it all.

i have come to appreciate the morning hot shower baths. it washed away a lot of stress. i used to speed through showering, but i realized it was a luxury after all, one that was within my means. it is not seen as a waste of water and electricity anymore. i would rather spend more on the household bills than spend on massage clinics. it is such a daily treat.

it feels like standing in the rain. once more, leaving all my cares behind.

sometimes i splash myself a bucket of cold water in the middle of the hot shower. it challenges my apprehensions and reminds me that it's not so bad after all. it is something to look forward to again tomorrow.

ha! you don't have the slightest idea.
let's keep it that way.